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Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died?
He was looking for loopholes! |
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- "I have good news and bad news",
the defense lawyer says to his client.
- "What's the bad news?"
The lawyer says:
- "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."
- "Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"
- "Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."
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What do you call a lawyer who doesn't know the law?
A judge. |
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Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
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Q: What is the main difference between lawyers and god?
A: God doesn't think that he is a lawyer! |
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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says:
- I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'
- But why? - asks the man.
- I'm a divorce lawyer - the man replies. |
| Von: esiu |
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A very well known doctor and extremely well known lawyer get into a car accident way out on a country road. The lawyer sustains no injuries from the crash but notices that the doctor is injured. So he runs over to his car and helps the doctor out of the twisted wreckage and offers the doctor a drink our of his flask. The doctor happily accepts the drink and takes a big swig of whatever alcohol was in the bottle. He hands it back to the lawyer who promptly puts it back in his pocket,
- Your not going to have a drink? - asks the doctor.
The lawyer replies:
- Yeah, but i'll wait till the police leave! |
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Two good lawyer friends are having a nice stroll through a wooded area. They don't walk more than a hundred feet before they spot a vicious grizzly bear hungry for blood. The first lawyer quickly pops open his briefcase and puts on his running shoes. His buddy looks at him and says:
- You are nuts buddy that bear will catch you in a second! His buddy looks back at him and says:
- I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!
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| Von: esiu |
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On the night of their wedding a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed.
- What are you doing? she asked.
- I am praying for guidance - answered the young man.
- I will take care of that - she replied. You pray for endurance.
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| Von: esiu |
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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says You know I do not know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we have been out drinking I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway I shut off the engine and coast into the garage I take my shoes off before I go into the house I sneak up the stairs I get undressed in the bathroom I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!
His buddy looks at him and says Well you are obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway slam the door storm up the steps throw my shoes into the closet jump into bed rub my hands on my wifes ass and say How about a little and she pretends she is asleep.
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