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| Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left? "None" replied Johnny, cause the rest would fly away. Well the answer is four said the teacher, but I like the way you are thinking. Little Johnny says, I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone - which one is married? Well said the teacher nervously, I guess the one sucking the cone? No, said Little Johnny, the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking... |
| Von: rafall_84 |
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| Different guy goes into the bar and orders 5 shots of whiskey. the bartender says "Wow, what`s up?" The guy says "I`m celebrating my first blow job." "Man, that`s great," says the bartender. Let me buy you a shot too." "No, thanks," replies the guy. "If 5 drinks doesn`t get the taste out of my mouth, 6 isn`t going to do it either." |
| Von: rafall_84 |
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| Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn`t feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say «Happy Birthday» and probably have a present for me. She didn`t even say «Good morning», let alone any «Happy Birthday». I said, well, that`s wives for you. The children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn`t say a word. When I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning boss, Happy Birthday!" And I felt a little better - someone had remembered. About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it`s such a beautiful day outside and it`s your birthday, let`s go to lunch, just you and me". "Let`s go!" We went to lunch. We didn`t go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it`s such a beautiful day. We don`t need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let`s go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don`t mind, I think I`ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure", I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and about six minutes later she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my co-workers, wife and children. All were singing «Happy Birthday . . .», and there on the couch I sat . . . with nothing on but my socks . . .. |
| Von: rafall_84 |
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| A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty. Tech: What`s the problem? User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply. Tech: You`ll need a new power supply. User: No, I don`t! I just need to change the startup files. Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You`ll need to replace it. User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command. Ten minutes later, the user is still persistent that he is right. The tech is frustrated and give up. Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don`t normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem. User: I knew it! Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes. Ten minutes later. User: It didn`t work. The power supply is still smoking. Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using? User: MS-DOS 6.22. Tech: That`s your problem there. That version of DOS didn`t come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes. One hour later. User: I need a new power supply. Tech: How did you come to that conclusion? User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply. Tech: Then what did he say? User: He told me that my power supply isn`t compatible with NOSMOKE. |
| Von: rafall_84 |
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| A girl goes into the doctor`s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he`s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he`s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?" |
| Von: rafall_84 |
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| A guy, a pig, and a dog are the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a tropical island. After being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking better and better and pretty soon the guy rolled toward the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this and growled fiercly at the guy , until he removed his arm from the Pig. They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her and they slowly nursed her back to good health. When she was well enough they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, warm gentle breeze, perfect for romance, the four of them lying there. The guy started getting `those` ideas again, so he leaned over toward the girl and said "Honey ,could you take the dog for a walk?..." |
| Von: rafall_84 |
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| Dear Boss, Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y2K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards: Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this "Y to K" problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We`ll await your direction. Joan Duh Snr Programmer |
| Von: rafall_84 |
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| HL: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" DAU: "Yes, I`m having trouble with WordPerfect" HL: "What sort of trouble?" DAU: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." HL: "Went away?" DAU: "They disappeared." HL: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" DAU: "Nothing." HL: "Nothing?" DAU: "It`s blank; it won`t accept anything when I type." HL: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" DAU: "How do I tell?" HL: "Can you see the c:\\prompt on the screen?" DAU: "What`s a sea prompt?" HL: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" DAU: "There isn`t any cursor: I told you, it won`t accept anything I type." HL: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" DAU: "What`s a monitor?" HL: "It`s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it`s on?" DAU: "I don`t know." HL: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" DAU: "Yes, I think so." HL: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it`s plugged into the wall." DAU: "Yes, it is." HL: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" DAU: "No." HL: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." DAU: "Okay, here it is." HL: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it`s plugged securely into the back of your computer." DAU: "I can`t reach." HL: "Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?" DAU: "No." HL: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" DAU: "Oh, it`s not because I don`t have the right angle-it`s because it`s dark." HL: "Dark?" DAU: "Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." HL: "Well, turn on the office light then." DAU: "I can`t." HL: "No? Why not?" DAU: "Because there`s a power outage." HL: "A power....A power outage? Aha! Okay, we`ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" DAU: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." HL: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought if from." DAU: "Really? Is it that bad?" HL: "Yes, I`m afraid it is." DAU: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" HL: "Tell them you`re too stupid to own a computer." |
| Von: rafall_84 |
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| "American beer is like make love in a canoe: fucking close to water!" (by Woody Allen) |
| Von: rafall_84 |
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| One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren`t going to scream, and we`re gonna get killed!" |
| Von: rafall_84 |
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